Holiday Stress Busters, or How to Keep Your Sugarplums from turning to Prunes

The Christmas season can be a time of joy and dread. It can be a time of warm memories, and joy or a season of sadness and depression.

So if you are feeling like you are a victim of the Christmas blahs, the Hanukkah malaise, the Kwanza ennui, and for the neo pagans among is, the Solstice slump here are sixteen things you can do to lower your Holiday Stress

1. Remember the reason for the season.
2. Keep your expectations in reality.
3. Chill out, go with the flow. Relax!
4. Give yourself a break from your own perfectionism.
5. Take your medications, supplements, and vitamins.
6. Get outside and exercise.
7. Shop for the really important people first.
8. Buy yourself a toy you always wanted, but don't use your credit card to get it.
9 Think before you speak. Try making a list of "Topics to Avoid"
10. Look and pray for creative solutions to problems.
11. Do something-stay active.
12. FOR STEPFAMILIES: gather on neutral ground-meet at a place that belongs to no one.
14. Go to a church serivce.
15. Take some healthy time to be alone.
16. Choose to have a Blessed and Merry Christmas.

Sgt Kimberly Munley, Sheepdog and Hero

I doubt Sgt Kimberly Munley reported to her duty station expecting anything other than a routine day when she began her shift at Ft. Hood. Little did she know that her world as well as the world of countless soldiers and Department of Defense civilians would turn into a violent toxic mess that day.

On that day she moved from being a police sergeant to a national hero. Why? Because Sgt Kimberly Munley is a sheepdog. From what I have read, she did what she was trained to do as an armed police officer in an "active shooter" situation she ran towards the shooter and engaged him and shot him.

LTC David Grossman, author of On Killing and On Combat, and various articles on the impact o media violence, says there are three types of people in the world. I want to focus on two.

The wolf, whether in their right mind or not has a mission to intimidate, destroy and kill sheep. The sheepdog, on the other hand, loves the sheep and is willing to face danger and run toward trouble in order to protect the sheep and neutralize the wolf.

Thank God for Sheepdogs like Sgt. Munley

Leadership Crisis in the Church

As a church ministry team consultant I regularly talk with pastors about the challenges they face in ministry. As with any profession there are certain themes that seem to always be near the surface.

George Barna has done an exceptional job of noting trends and areas of interest for church leaders. His latest book focuses on some of the key issues leaders face in 2009-2010

The Barna Group, the gold standard of Church life recently released a powerful study on Church Leadership. Here is a sample with a link:

According to the research, the specific behaviors that leaders do most poorly include:

* Negotiating agreements that maximize benefits at minimal cost

* Attracting new resources to the organization – especially human and financial capital

* Developing and implementing individualized developmental plans for emerging leaders

* Nurturing robust relationships with existing colleagues, demonstrating sufficient care and attention to their needs

The research also discovered that leaders sometimes perceive themselves to be more effective at specific aspects of leading than their performance suggests. A prime example relates to vision. While an overwhelming majority of leaders believes that they are very effective at using the organization’s vision as their chief decision-making filter, the study found that one of the greatest weaknesses of most leaders is relying on the vision to protect the organization from over-commitment. “Leaders tend to point to their vision as the reason to say ‘yes’ to opportunities,” explained George Barna. “But our research showed that there is much less willingness to use the vision as a reason to say ‘no’ to opportunities that are not in the best interests of the organization.” Link to the article

Internet Safety for Kids and Moms

You should worry about your kids and the Internet. It can be a Trojan Horse in your home if you don't monitor what comes in to your home via the web.

Several months ago I wrote a series of blogs on sexting. One of the best parent friendly resources I have on the net is www.wiredmoms.com. Please check them out for all of the best tips and tricks to monitor the web in your home.

Check out my article on Net Traps

The web is a tremendous place to learn and grow, but it also has a dark side...Parents check them out www.wiremoms.com

Beware of the Falling Rocks of Fear

By John H. Thurman Jr.

Falling Rocks, you see the bright, yellow, international sign for them through the Southwest. The signs are not road decorations. They are very clear indicators of what could happen. As a matter of record, there was a bus driver killed several years ago near Taos, New Mexico due to falling rocks. The New Mexico Department of Transportation spends thousands of dollars a year trying to prevent rocks from falling on cars, people and other things.

Funny things happen when people first become aware of falling rocks. They do one of three things.

The first response is pure, unadulterated fear. When people see the sign they want to stop and turn around. They want to avoid any possibility of harm, stress or risk, so they retreat. Their idea of a bad day is being squashed like a bug and being the lead story on the ten o’clock “Breaking News.”

The second response is to drive through the dangerous pass shaking in their boots. These people do not enjoy the drive they endure it. Their heads fill with dread as their hearts pound with fear. Their greatest joy is seeing the danger in their rear view mirror.

The third group sees the sign, possibly have a little bit of an excited rush and enjoy the drive. If they have their camera, they will probably take a photo.

Life is filled with falling rocks. They can show up in your personal life, relationships, work and church. What will you do when you see the falling rocks sign?

Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he...” NKJV

Attitude is everything-a good one can lead to blessings

Blindsided by Extramarital Affairs: Part 4 - Risky Marriage Styles

Risky Marriage Styles
By John Thurman M.Div., M.A., LCMHC

What about Sandra Bullock's marriage, put it at a high risk for an affair?

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the couple with a baby carriage.

It doesn’t always work out that way does it? With over thirty-five years in the people helping business I have never met someone who planned on cheating on their spouse or having an affair. I don’t believe anyone starts off a marriage with any idea that it could crash and burn because of a third party. Having said that, I am amazed at how much a couple will spend on a wedding without investing in some premarital counseling. It seems that or media-based culture has put more emphasis on the event than on the relationship.

Whatever happened to the vows, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse…All that being said, research has shown us that there are certain styles of marriage that are at a higher risk for and affair.
My mentor and friend, Dave Carder, first wrote of these styles in his book Torn Asunder and expands this concept in his book Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know about Protecting Your Marriage.

Marital Styles

The Windshield Wiper – This type of marriage centers on avoiding intimacy at all costs through bickering, fighting, demands, criticism, mean-spirited teasing, stated disappointments and even open conflict.

Dial Tone – This is most like the dial tone on your land line phone. There is never any deviation, no variation, extremely predictable and conflict is always avoided. One example; She puts the food on his plate because; “He won’t eat right unless I put it in front of him.”

Empty Nest – This couple looks good on the outside. They are the perfect, conscientious business man or the perfect mother. They have put their time in, done their duty, and are out of the door the around the same time the last child goes off to either school or marriage.

If you are feeling like you fall into one of these styles be sure to take measures to protect your relationship. If you would like a realistic look at your relationship, why not check out the Couple’s Checkup.

Keep and eye on your heart, mind, and marriage.
John Thurman

Blindsided by an Affair Part 3: Know Your Risk History

Avoiding Extramarital Affairs, Part 3
By John H. Thurman Jr., M.Div., M.A., LCMHC

As you continue to look at risk factors that can lead to an infidelity or cheating you must look at your risky history.
While I was in graduate school one of my fellow students asked the professor if there was ever a time that a person could be free of risks and temptation. The professor wisely pondered the student question and answered, “Of Course, when you are no longer breathing. Then it will not matter.”
Knowing and understanding how our family history and personality style work are important. However; we also need to be keenly aware of certain situations that can open us to higher risk factors of getting involved in an affair.
Cheaters rarely cheat in a vacuum.
A working knowledge of your risk factors will go a long way in protecting you from an affair.
Dave Carder’s research, in Close Calls, shows that there are certain “High Risk Zones that we need to keep an eye on.
High-Risk Times
• Times of loss
• Life Transitions
• Pregnancy
• Chronic, Long-Term Illness
High-Risk Behaviors
• Opposite Sex Friendships
• Workplace Affairs
• Hobbies
• Volunteer Opportunities
• “Soloing” in Public Places
• Fantasizing
• Internet
Live with your heart and eyes open.
John Thurman, M.Div ., M.A., LCMHC

For help in Affair Recovery contact John.
Check out Dave Carder's Torn Asunder, John's #1 for Affair Recover

Blindsided: How to Protect Your Relationship, Part 2 - High Risk History

By John H. Thurman Jr., M.Div. M.A., LCMHC

I am a little worked up over the news about Sandra Bullock's husband, Jessie James's cheating on this lovely actress who won an Oscar for Blindsided. Here are some things you can do to prevent having an affair.

Marriage is a commitment, marriage is hard work, and marriage is risky business. In this second installment of Avoiding Extramarital Affair, I will be reviewing personal risk factors you could face.

What are your risk factors for an affair? Hint: We are all at some risk.
In his book Close Calls: What Adulterers Want you to Know about Protecting Your Marriage, Dave Carder does an exceptional job unveiling the personal factors that can contribute to a close call.

High-Risk Family of Origin Issues
• A family history of infidelity
• Single Parent/Step Family
• Physically Abusive/Chronically Conflicted Family
High-Risk Personal Factors
• Sexual Molestation – The National Center for Victims of Crimes suggests that between 20-40 percent of young women and up to 20 percent of young men report having been sexually molested when they were minors.
• Adolescent Promiscuity – Some experts state that this would represent a person who has had six or more partners between ages thirteen to twenty. This is one great reason for abstinence for young people.
• Learning Disabilities and ADHD
• A Lack of Personal Boundaries or a Personality Style that would tend to be very dependent.
• A Lack of a Moral Compass
• An Indulgent Lifestyle

John's #1 recommendation for Affair Recovery is Dave Carder's book Torn Asunder
Live wisely, know yourself,
John Thurman

Looking for a therapist who can help your relationship recover from an affair? Contact John

Socrates said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”
Proverbs 11:29

Those who bring trouble on their families inherit the wind. The fool will be a servant to the wise.
Holy Bible, New Living Translation ®, copyright © 1996, 2004 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers. All rights reserved.

Blindsided: How to Avoid an Affair, Part 1 - High Risk People

By John H. Thurman Jr., M.Div.,M.A., LCMHC

Hearing the news about the affair that Sandra Bullock's husband, Jessie James had, was a disappointment. I have enjoyed her acting for years, and after watching her interview with Barbara Walters and hear her quote, "He is the first man who has ever had my back" I was ticked to her about the affair.

As a therapist, who treats people for Affair Recovery, I wish men would learn to think with the big brain and not other body parts.

“How did this happen?” is a question routinely asked by an unfaithful spouse once they have been discovered. That is one question that has been in the news lately. Be it a Southern politician with a mistress in Argentine or a former Presidential candidate, a preacher, or the businessman, businesswoman in the office next door or a stay at home mom just down the street.

Extramarital affairs are one of the “Frequent fliers” in my counseling practice. Not that I would ever wish it on anybody because recovery from such a devastating event is doable but very tough.

Several years ago, I met Dave Carder, a therapist in Southern California, who specializes in Affair Recovery. His book Torn Asunder has revolutionized my work with couples who are trying to repair their marriage as a result of infidelity.
In his training, he is quick to point out that there are numerous predictable patterns than can identify those at risk for an affair. His most recent book, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know about Protecting Your Marriage, gives the reader important information in affair prevention.

Over the next few postings I will review them. Be sure to pick up your copy of Close Calls, it could save your life, your marriage, your job, and your soul.

Close Call Tip # 1 – Know Your Dangerous Partner Profile
• You don’t marry someone like your dangerous profile partner because, in your gut, you knew that they would not be a good, long-term investment.
• You spouse probably is different that your dangerous profile partner, but that does not mean they are less attractive to you.
• The dangerous partner profile can be made up of those individuals that seem to meet all of the deficits and shortcomings that you bring into your marriage.
• The dangerous person often defies all of your culture, training, common sense and values. Logic has nothing to do with it.
• A dangerous partner profile lurks within all of us and should be dealt with.
For more information read pages 17-37 in Close Calls.
Need Affair Recover? Contact John Thurman.

Fight for your Marriage,
John Thurman

Ten Skills Every Dad Needs

For centuries the mission of a man has been to provide, protect, serve, and love his wife and his children. In the past few years, thanks to shifts in our culture he is also expected to understand “feelings,” discern emotional nuances, be some type of manly man who is sensitive, caring and understanding.
Men still struggle to figure out what they need to be for the women in their lives, but one thing is for sure, men and women are created equal, they are not interchangeable. Yes, a majority of the tasks involved in raising children can be equally done by Angelina and Brad. However; there are components of child rearing that require the unique imprint of a man or a woman. We are hardwired to look at life in different ways, it is in our genes.

Ten Skills Every Dad Needs:

1. A love for God
2. Courage
3. The ability to tinker
4. A love and respect for nature
5. How money works
6. A desire to work
7. The ability to laugh
8. The ability to lead yourself
9. Showing your daughters hoe to expect to be treated
10. Teaching your son how to treat ladies

Sexting; What a Parent Can Do Part 2 of 3

He came into my office visibly upset we shared a quick greeting and before you know it he shoved a cell phone close to my eyes and said, “Look at this!” I was thrown for a loop when I began to focus on the screen of his fifteen year old daughter’s cell phone. It was her sans blouse and supporting garments. First of all there is no woman young or old that I need to see other than my wife. This still somewhat shocking episode, but it began a new phase of my counseling practice, working with parents and their teens after the teen has been busted for sexting.

Since that cold winter day a little over a year and a half ago I have worked with a dozen or so teens and their families coming to terms with this phenomenon.

How has this happened? First of all teens are not well known for impulse control, but up until the advent of the camera phone and web cams, the photos of nude and semi-nude teens was regulated to “Girls Gone Wild,” and other shady and pornographic sites, but that has all changed and parents need to wake up and smell the coffee.

What most parents don’t realize is that their kids can sometime play them for the fool. You don’t have to be a techno wizard or a curator of pop culture to know a little bit about Facebook, My Space, and tweeting on Twitter. In an article from the current Reader’s Digest, Pamela Paul, author of Pornified: How Pornography is Transforming our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families, “It ‘s pretty appalling…Among girls and boys, porn has become increasingly accepted, even as kind of cool.” A far cry from sneaking a peak at you older brother’s Playboy. Now, nude and semi-nude images of young men and women are a mere click or two away from any internet user.

Here are some guidelines:

You are the parent-you have every right to have access to your child internet accounts and cell phone, after all, you do pay for them. Forget about their privacy, accept when it comes to using the bathroom and dressing. Be nosy, know where they are going and where they have been. Here are some resources that can help.

www.wiredmoms.com - you should really check this group out, they will show you how to check up on you kids.

Cell Phone Spy Elite-a device from www.security.com that retrieves deleted text messages from cell phones.

Sage Eyes, from internet safety.com. tracks your kids instant messaging, monitors online social networks, and can impose online minute restrictions.

www.websafety.com-software you can load into your kid’s cellphone and computer alerts that will advise you if inappropriate content is going out.

www.yoursphere.com-a fairly safe social network

LMK, for “Let Me Know,” is based on the Girl Scouts site (lmk.girlscouts.org), where girls can talk to other girls about internet safety. Keep buying those cookies.

Sexting, What a Parent Can do Part 2 of 3

Sexting Part 1 Contiued

One way to know more about teens and sexting is to check out this link http://www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=7337547&page=1

Sexting , What a parent can do.- Part 1 of 4

Five months ago a former counseling client of mind dropped by the office for a quick visit. He seemed upset and as he entered the room he said, "Look at this! What to do I do about this?" He politely yet forcefully pushed a cellphone up to my eyes to view a topless picture of his fifteen year old daughter that she had emailed to her boyfriend. As as side note I have elected to never view a cell phone photo that a parent wants to show me.

In the past three months I have has three parents bring their 12-16 year old daughters into the office for sexting, sending partial nude or totally nude photos of themselves to their boyfriends.

Over the next few days I will be giving you links and key things you, as a parent can do to, to be effective in lowering the risk for you teen.

Principle 1 - You are the parent, you pay the bill, you own the phone, you have a right and responsibility to be a good watchdog.

Principle 2 - Get out of denial and learn how to check up on your kid. Privacy has to do with changing clothes and going to the bathroom, not all of their communications.

Check out this link from Good Morning America it is a group called wired moms, that gives you tools for checking out your kid's web presence. Here is their twitter page http://twitter.com/wiredmoms
John

Top Five Gripes Men Have About Women

Ladies, the mystery is solved. Research conducted by Dr. Micheal Cunningham confirms what I have thought for a long time. Men do have a common thread of gripes about women. In an effort to appreciate the differences here they are.

1. The silent treatment. Need I say more.
2. Bringing things up from the distant past.
3. Being too hot or too cold
4. Being critical
5. Being stubborn or refusing to give in.

I will write more on these later.

Six Ways to Treat Depression without Medication

By John Thurman M.Div., M.A., LCMHC

Feeling blue? Are you in a minor depression? Want to try and avoid medication?

With the roller coaster financial market, looming lay offs, rocky relationships and high divorces...it is no small matter that 6 million men were diagnosed with depression last year.

While you should get checked out by your doctor, and might look into some short-term therapy here are four things you can do to push back depression.

1. Sweat - P. Murali Doraiswamy, MD, chief of biological psychiatry at Duke University was part of a team that compared aerobic activity (30 min 3x a week, walking, cycling, or using an elliptical) with Zoloft. The studies found exercising "to be equally effective for treating mild to moderate depression."

2. Eat better - More salads, less red meat, fewer spirits and less sugar can impact mood in a positive way. Too much sugar, alcohol, food in general will slow you down.

3. Change the brain chatter - Learn how to challenge irrational thoughts and replace them with the good stuff.

4. Get more sunlight - Early morning light actually helps you feel better.

5. Go to church - Reconnecting spiritually is a proven way to improve you outlook and build hope.

6. Get involved in a small group. A bible study, life group, a task oriented group, or a support group. Being involved with a small group has multiple benefits.

Free Depression Tip Sheet

Overcoming Depression

Now that I have established some basic info concerning Major Depression, and have given you some very basic things you can do, I'd like to turn my attention to some practical ways you can begin to move out from depression into joy.

Apart from medications, exercise, supplements, and medical care there are some things you can do both with you thinking and with your spirituality to help push back depression.

I am a strong believer in the notion that Feelings are the direct result of Thoughts and one of the keys to overcoming depression is to understand how the sad thought process works.

Here is a basic view of the A-B-C's of how thoughts impact out feelings

A - Adversity, what pushes your buttons. People struggling with depression and other mood disorders this usually involves some type of loss. I will discuss this more in my next blog. The adversity is an event that stimulates a thought process.

B - Belief, the immediate belief that pop up when adversity hits the button.

C- Consequences, the resulting feelings that result when A+B happens

One of the keys to overcoming depression is to realize how this sequence can have an impact on how your deal with depression.

Here are some things you can do to begin the process of moving out of depression into hope.

• If you have been depressed or have had feelings of hopelessness or suicide get checked out by your physician, particularly if you have felt this way for more than a couple of weeks.
  
• If you need therapy, get some.
• Begin taking a good multivitamin and some Omega 3, (this will not cure depression, but will help your brain and body push back on depression.
  
• Check out some helpful websites: Dr. Daniel Amen, My Depression Tip Sheet, Focus on the Family
• Check out my Bible Study on Depression
• Avoid isolation, be sure to be around people who know and love you.
• Begin moving, working out, walking around your block. Physical exercise can give you additional energy to defeat depression.
• Look at coming to my Overcoming Depression Conference in Colorado Springs in late January

Next entry will look at the three types of losses and how they can set us up for depression.

What is Depression Part 3

So where does depression come from? Is it just a choice? is it a chemical imbalance? where does it come from?

There are several factors that can have an impact on depression. Here are five: (this is not an exhaustive list)

Physical

• Illness (including Diabetes, Heart Disease)
  
• Sleep Loss
• Chemical Imbalance (hormones, neurochemistry)
• Stress
• Nutritional Issues
• Post-Partem Issues
  

Genetics

• Family History of Depression

Situational

• Family Issues
• Business/Work Issues
• Marriage Issues

Psychological

• Loneliness
• Lack of Purpose
• Loss/Grief
• Rejection

Spiritual

• Sin
• Fatigue
• God sent trials
• Spiritual Warfare
• Bitterness and resentment
• Grief

If you want to learn more about depression check out some of these sites: Focus on the Family; Mental Health America; Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance; and the American Psychiatric Foundation

If you are interested in attending an Overcoming Depression Workshop with John Thurman Click this link: Overcoming Depression.

What is Depression? Part 2

Depression is like an oil leak in an engine. One of the things that happens when you are depressed is you become disconnected from that part of you that is a positive, hopeful person. Your optimism is slowly replaced with hopelessness and isolation. What may have been experiencing some ups and downs in life but these ups and downs turn into ruts, with no end in sight. Much like a car with an oil leak, over time you may feel like you are breaking down.

Let's look at the car analogy for moment. Oil helps your car run well because it reduces the friction between the moving parts of your engine. Car manufactures recommend that you change your oil and oil filter every 3,000 miles. Why? Because as you drive your car around you get wear and tear on your engine, your oil gets dirty and the filter doesn't work as effectively. Other than regular oil and filter changes you really don't have to do too much to maintain your oil in your car.

Problems arise when there is a leak in they system. It may start as a small leak that constantly requires new oil, or in a really bad situation, you may have a cracked oil pan.

That is how depression can be for some people. The depression-resistant person maintains their oil levels well, and when the engine needs a tune up or repair, they do it. The depression-prone person usually has a leaky oil system or a cracked oil pan that requires continual love, success, or reassurance to operate effectively, unless something is done to repair the system.

Depression impacts us in six primary areas;

1. Feelings - how we manage our emotional lives
2. Behavior - how we direct our actions, how we arrange our time, our habits, and our energy
3. Thoughts - how we watch over our thoughts, our assumptions about our self, the world, and how things work
4. Faith - how we view our relationship to God
5. Relationships - how we act with others as well as what we want and expect from them
6. Self Image - how we think about and perceive ourselves

Depression is a hope stealer.

Now for some good news! You can learn to overcome depression!

Here are some things you can do to begin the process of moving out of depression into hope.

• If you have been depressed or have had feelings of hopelessness or suicide get checked out by your physician, particularly if you have felt this way for more than a couple of weeks.
  
• If you need therapy, get some.
• Begin taking a good multivitamin and some Omega 3, (this will not cure depression, but will help your brain and body push back on depression.
  
• Check out some helpful websites: Dr. Daniel Amen, My Depression Tip Sheet, Focus on the Family
• Check out my Bible Study on Depression
• Avoid isolation, be sure to be around people who know and love you.
• Begin moving, working out, walking around your block. Physical exercise can give you additional energy to defeat depression.
• Look at coming to my Overcoming Depression Conference in Colorado Springs in late January