Keep You Sugar Plumbs from Turning to Prunes

“And visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.” My question for you is have your sugar plums turned to prunes?

The Holiday season can be a time of joy and dread. It can be a time of anticipation and a time of some heavy-duty stress. While the joy of the season is around the celebration of Christ’s birth, too many of us get sidetracked with the pressures of the season and the short days of winter.

Rather than being excited about the season we show about the same enthusiasm as a sentenced pirate about to walk the plank. We feel dread, anxiety, exhaustion and isolation. If you feel this way you could be a victim of the Christmas blahs, the Hanukkah malaise, the Kwanza ennui, and for the neo pagans amongst us, the Solstice slump.

Here are some simple suggestions, some humorous, some serious, to keep “your sugarplums from turning into prunes.”

Remember the reason for the season. Re-read the Christmas story, go to a worship service, attend a Christmas Play, and listen to some uplifting seasonal music.

Keep your expectations in line with reality. One of the reasons things go south in so many relationships, particularly this time of year, is undiscussed and undisclosed expectations get violated. If you dare to expect a perfect holiday, then you are probably setting yourself up of a huge disappointment.

Do you remember the dad character from the movie A Christmas Story, he was obsessed with eating the Christmas turkey. He smelled it as it cooked and as it was cooling down on the kitchen table he picked a small pieced and savored it. You might recall that in the very next scene the neighbor’s dogs run through the house and completely destroy the turkey. The dad is heart broken and them mom is resourceful. They end up having Peking Duck and a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day. Lower your expectations so you’re not frustrated year after year.

Chill out and go with the flow! Relax, laugh take a step back and unwind.

Rememeber, regardless of what your therapist says, the Christmas season is not about problem solving. Deal with family issues another time. You have to choose how you are going to feel. You do not have to be a slave to old memories.

If you are going to be spending a lot of time with family, be intentional about building in breaks for the family. The holidays can be a very special time for families to be together, but you don’t need to overdose.

Watch the food intake. The holidays are a time when many people pick up weight. You can still have the goodies of the season just watch the servings and the sizes. If meal preparation is a bear for you, try making some changes. Don’t let the eating and/or drinking be the focus of the gathering. Avoid getting loaded with spirits, sweets and fats at the same time, there is nothing worse than being bloated, loaded and wired all at the same time. If you do overdo it, be sure to wear your elastic pants or your expandable Dockers – avoid the mid-meal unbuttoning at cost – it is humiliating to you spouse and kids.

Give yourself permission to not have perfection. Remember, Jesus was born in a stall in a barn (cave). He came into this world in a place filled the odors of any farm. He had no tree, no lights and no Christmas buffet.

My wife and I have the opportunity to be in several homes over the holidays and each home has its own unique look. Some homes will have theme trees and the Christmas decorations that look like they came right of HGTV. Other homes have a more personal appeal. Our Christmas tree is a very eclectic one in that we have ornaments that represent out life journey as a family. The proverbial ornaments the kids made. Ornaments we purchased when we were first married and ornaments made for our family by people who have gone on to heaven. So when our tree goes up, it tells the journey of our family. These ornaments can be reminders, of the ebbs and flows, the good and bad days of our live. Enjoy the good things of the holiday.

If you are typically reminded of old, unresolved pain and guilt from your past, seek the forgiveness of the Lord and start making some new traditions.

Take your medication, supplements and vitamins.

Only watch It’s a Wonderful Life one time. It is a great tearjerker and has a wonderful message, but enough is enough. If you are not careful you could end up comparing your life to George Bailey’s. Just remember the Clarence’s theology – “every time a bell rings and angel gets its wings – it will make you feel better regardless of your theological persuasion.

Get outside and exercise. Join the gym – meet new people – force yourself out of the office on a daily basis if at all possible.

Shop for the really important people first.

Buy yourself a toy you always wanted.

Think before you speak. Make a list of “topics to avoid.” If you are feeling down please consider ruling out all discussions on: your job, personal life, health, religion, politics, the past, the future, and most often the present. Topics that are almost always safe: the weather, sports, gardening and the other person’s life. God gave us two ears and one mouth-go figure. Use your words to help others feel good about themselves-you could be surprised as to how it will make you feel.

Stay loose, be flexible. 21st century families are always changing due to job situations, childbirth, illness, job demands, divorce, and the return of work for former stay-at-home moms. Tradition doesn’t have to mean rigidity.

Look and pray for creative solutions to problems. Just because you have always done it that way before doesn’t mean you have to continue to do it that way now.

Mom and Dad – let your married kids develop their own holiday traditions – no guilt trips.

Check out My Twenty Holiday Stress Busting Tips

(c) 2007 John Thurman

Parenting Skills

I was recently talking to an psychiatrist friend of mine who specializes in working with adolescents in a psych hospital. We were sharing parenting stories when he told me of several teenage patients that had been admitted to the hospital for suicidal ideation. When I asked him about the events that lead up to their crisis he replied, "Their parents took their cellphone as a consequence."

I was taken back a bit by this story. I asked him, "Why do you think that happened?" His opinion was that they felt completely cut off from friends and their support network. With no cell phones, they had no way to stay in contact with their support systems. He also felt that these kids were dealing with Major Depression. Click here for info on teen depression

I will give you an option to think about at the end of this blog.

As a parent of adult children, thank God they got through their teen years relatively intact, and as a Marriage a Family Educator I'd like to share some basic principles of parenting. These have been around for ever, but a little review won't hurt.

Last week, Todd Cook, my pastor, listed these in our services.

Here is the answer to "What kind of discipline is appropriate?

1. Spell out Expectations and rules for your kids before you try to enforce them with discipline.
2. Never discipline for Childish Mistakes or childhood forgetfulness.
3. Never discipline out of Anger
4. Always go from the mildest form of discipline to the more severe forms.

I like the term reality discipline which means let the discipline match the crime.

So, what about the cell phone. If you teen abuses the privilege you cut back their use. Do it in stages, like cutting them back for a few minutes a day, but measure your response. As a parent, you have the power to discipline your kids. Use it wisely. Click here for parenting tips

Practical Parenting Tips

Parents seem so frustrated today!

Parents of preschoolers have all but forgotten the days of communication and and intimacy. School aged children can run parents ragged with all of the things that occupy their day. Finally, parents of tweenagers (10-12) and teenagers do have a mental illness. It starts when the firstborn child hits puberty and ends when the baby is thirty.

My wife and I survived it and so can you.

If you feel like having children has eaten away at your brain come and you need some relief come here what I have to say about it.

Next Sunday, November 23rd, I will be teaching at Destiny Center Church in Rio Rancho, NM. I will be teaching on Practical Parenting Tips in all of the Sunday services.

Building Good Communication into Your Relationships

Have you ever noticed that you have to be intentional to have good communications in any relationship?

Do you tend to be the historian or the hysterical one? My pastor, Todd Cook, is an excellent communicator. This week, he was teaching on how to enhance your relationship skills.

Recently a reporter friend of mine asked, "What is the cause of most marital breakups?" She looked surprised by my answer. I said, "Bitterness." I continued, "Bitterness being poisoned by the anger and hurt that you will not let go of." She looked away, somewhat embarrassed, and then turned back to me and said, "That is exactly what happened in my marriage. I just wouldn't let it go."

As a counselor, I make a living helping people build up their relationships, and in yesterday's message (my wife and I do the Saturday church thing) Todd hit a home run.

Here is a very brief review of his message:
Immature Ways of Communication
1. Verbal Retaliation
2. Withdrawal
3. The "Blame Game"
4. Threats

The Cure -Stop the Insanity
1. Look Up
2. Open Up
3. Give it Up.

Check out his podcast.

My article Fair Fighting has some practical tips that you can use to enhance your communication skills, take a look and let me know what you think.

Jesus said it best, "Do to others as you would have them do to you." Luke 6:31

Kids and Pain Killers

One in five teenagers will try prescription medication, and they could be your. Check out Dr. Barry Ramo's story on KOAT

If you are a mom or dad, you need to read this! There is a drug epidemic happening right in your neighborhood, maybe even in your house.

In the past few months I have seen an alarming increase in the number of teens that I am seeing that are either abusing or addicted to painkillers like Oxycodone. These are not down and out kids, but teens from upscale neighborhoods. Parents need to become more aware of the dangerous medications that may be in their home

The Partnership for a Drug Free America has some no non-sense tips that you can use to keep and eye out for your kids and their friends.

If you find out that your child is abusing other's prescrition medication see your doctor and get professional help.

The book of Psalms and Recovery

In my day to day work I am a Professional Counselor who works with men, women, and teenagers. In a given week I will work with twenty-five to thirty hurting folks. From time to time someone who is struggling with a compulsive/addictive behavior will ask about giving their life over to the care of God.
Psalm 61:1-8 talks about this very thing. I would encourage you to give it a read.
The idea or thought of turning over our will can and our thoughts to God can be very attractive. When we give in to our compulsions and dependencies, we surrender ourselves to another power. When that happens we are giving up our own personal power and surrendering it to whatever compulsive behavior we fall into. When you feel overwhelmed and give into some addictive or compulsive behavior you actually feel better and may even feel relieved, for a short while. That is what happens when your focus is the compulsive or addictive behaviors that you may be using to help you cope with life.
Now, here is some good news which comes from this passage.
We can take steps to change our focus and turn our life over to God instead of reverting to the hiding places of the past. The apostle Paul said, "Don't be drunk with wine, because it will run your life. Instead let the Holy Spirit fill and control you. (Ephesians 5:18).
When we are overwhelmed and in need of some type of escape, we have a new place to turn. In this piece of Scripture Kind David declared, "The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you (Psalm 9:9-10).
David also wrote, "From the ends of the earth, I will cry to you for help, for my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me." (Psalm 61:2-3).
I hope these words give you some encouragement.

Muder by Family Comments

I met Kent Whitaker last year and had the chance to visit with him about his book Murder by Family. He writes about God's help in choosing to help him process forgiveness toward his son who murdered his brother and mother.
Kent just finished being the feature on Oprah. He did an outstanding job talking about the power of forgiveness.
I strongly recommend picking up Murder by Family
John