John Thurman's Blog

Keeping Your 2011 Resolutions

2011-01-07T21:15:00.000-08:00

10 ways to Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions by John Thurman

How are you doing on your 2011 resolutions?

According to Dr. John C. Norcross, a full time psychology professor at the University of Scranton and a part-time practitioner, 40 to 45% of adults in the United States will make New Year’s resolutions, continuing a tradition that began in ancient Roman times.

For years, psychologist have done multiple studies on self-change in general and New Year’s resolutions in particular. Making New Year’s resolutions is a valuable opportunity for you to increase the quality of your life.

In fact, 75 percent of New Year’ eves resolvers will be successful in mid-January, 50 percent will still be sticking to it by the end of the month and 40 percent to 46 percent will still be going at six months. Contrary to widely held public opinion, a significant number of New Year’s resolvers do succeed.

What’s more, clinical research shows that you are 10 times more likely to change by making a New Year’s resolution compared to non-resolvers with identical goals and comparable motives to change.

Quite frankly, I was surprised at what the research revealed. On that positive note here are ten things you can do to be a part of the that 46% who keep their resolutions.

Write them down. Be clear and concise. Use the SMART method - specific, measurable, action-oriented, realistic, and time-based. Use a pen and paper because your brain is more engaged when you physically write it down.

Replace a bad habit with a good one.

Cultivate social support, tell someone, show someone.

Take baby steps. Inch by inch anything is a cinch. Small victories lead to bigger victories

Take big steps. Once you have your goals/resolutions put a date and work your plan beginning today.

Decide and engage. As the Nike™ logo says“Just Do It!” Learn to anticipate and overcome the setbacks you may encounter along the way.

Partner up. Have an accountability partner, even it they don’t share the same goals. Check in with each other weekly (in person or by phone)

Celebrate your victories.

Sources:
Norcross, J.C., Mrykalo, M.S., & Blagys, M.D. (2002). Auld lang syne: Success predictors, change processes, and self-reported outcomes of New Year's resolvers and nonresolvers. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 58, 397-405.
Healy, M, (Jan 4, 2011). Say you want a resolution? You can do it with planning and persistance. USA Today.

Workplace Violence Tip Sheet 1

2010-07-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

Tips you need to know about Workplace Violence
By John H. Thurman, M.Div., M.A., LCMHC

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — It happened again today workplace violence in my town...”three killed four injured...three killed...In the past few years many of us have been exposed to workplace violence stories, either directly or indirectly.

Just what is Workplace Violence?

A physical act, actual violence, or threat of violence toward an institution, its staff members, visitors, guests, or vendor’s representatives. It includes intimidation, harassment, and other inappropriate behavior that threatens or frightens employees. (adapted from OSHA workplace violence fact sheet).

There are three types of WPV (Work Place Violence):

Harassment - which is intended to upset or worry the victim. May not be interpreted in the same way by the perpetrators as the victims, yet its abusive nature must not be tolerated.

Threats - Involve an expression of one’s intention to inflict injury.

Attacks - Physical forms involve assault and the most brutal attack results in homicide.

OSHA also reports that homicide the third leading cause of fatal occupational injuries.

So are their indicators of a workplace aggressor?

Yes, according to various researches there are three broad sources or causes of Violence.

Personal causes:
The individual’s behavior, values and socialization
The individual’s mental and physical health, low self-esteem
Habits, substance abuse, Domestic violence & obsessions

Behavioral warning signs
Previous history of violence
Loner, withdrawal, emotional problems
Some type of obsession

Social causes associated with
Perceives social and emotional inequalities
Poverty, violence, crime in society
Social and family disintegration

Profile of the “disgruntled worker” (a summary from The Gift of Fear, Gavin De Becker)

Male, 25-40
History of violence (family or other)
Loner
Owns firearms
Exhibits frequent anger at work
Employment history shows conflict
History of marital, family, and relational problems
Drug or alcohol history
Coping with Threats and Violence ( from the Federal Protective Service U.S. GSA)

For an angry or hostile customer or coworker

Stay calm. Listen attentively
Maintain eye contact
Be courteous. Be patient
Keep the situation in your control
For a person shouting, swearing, and threatening
Signal a coworker, or supervisor, that you need help. (Use a duress alarm or a prearranged code words)
Do not make any calls yourself.
Have someone call security, or police

For someone threatening you with a gun, knife, or other weapon

Stay calm. Quietly signal for help. (Use duress alarm system or code words)
Maintain eye contact.
Stall for time.
Keep talking--but follow instructions from the person who has a weapon.
Do not risk harm to yourself or others
Never try to grab the weapon.
Watch for a safe chance to escape to a safe area.

What to do when Violence Explodes (from Surviving Workplace Violence by Loren W. Christensen)

Flee the area - you need two things to flee successfully: opportunity and an avenue of escape. Exception to the opportunity rule...You have an avenue of escape but not an opportunity. Should you run? Yes, because maybe he is a lousy shot. No, because maybe he isn’t. This is a likely dilemma you could face and one you should think about now, while your heart rate is normal and your thinking is clear. So you decide to flee.
Try to keep object, desks, cabinets, etc-between you and the perpetrator
Don’t zig zag, just run for your life
If you can grab something to use as a weapon without slowing down, do it.
If you can’t get out of the door, go out a window. If you can’t open it, break it.
Whether you’re running from inside a building to the outside, or your work site to the outside, use trees, vehicles and buildings to block you from the view of the perpetrator as you make your escape.
Find a safe place and call 911 (see calling 911)

If you can’t run - hide

Hide
If time permits, choose a hiding place that gives you concealment and cover.

Calling the Police

Don’t assume that someone else has called 911. Multiple calls help the police validate the location.
Here is what the police want to know:
The exact address of the workplace where the incident is occurring
Description of the perpetrator
Location of the perpetrator - building, floor, last seen location, direction heading
Layout of the building.
Weapon: Officers approach a suspect armed with a knife than one with a firearm. They will want to know what type of firearm; handgun, high-tech rifle. Did you see any evidence of explosives or extra ammunition?
Who is he?
How many rounds has he fired?
Has he harmed others?
Did you see a vehicle?
Did he arrive on foot?
Was he dry even though it’s raining outside?
Is anyone hurt?
Where are the injured?

Obey the Police

Remember, the police do not know who you are. When they arrive on an “active shooter” scene their primary mission is to neutralize the threat in order to set a safe perimeter. If the perpetrator is still alive they will probably try to escape with everybody else. If the police tell you to raise your hands and lie down on your stomach, do it without hesitation.

Marriage Survival Tips

2010-06-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

Don't underestimate the dangers of relationships outside of your marriage. Don't underestimate where your brain can take you.

Getting Your Head Right about Life

2010-04-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

Do the bugs on your windshield keep you from seeing the horizon?

I hear it every week in my work as a counselor...”I want to do better.” I want to feel better.” “I want to have more for my family.” “I am sick and tired of my past tripping me up.”

Why is it that so many people seem to be stuck? Could part of it be the fact that we, as a culture don’t want to take personal responsibility. Are we looking for just the right pill, the right therapist, book, church or job? Or, could it be that we have become encased in the negativity of the culture.

Did you know that there are four ingredients for success in any endeavor. Four simple principles that can change the course of your life. Dr. Tom Barrett, author of Dare to Dream, Work to Win, does an exceptional job of expanding on these basic ideas.

Ingredient # 1 - Determine what you want. Be very specific about what you want out of your business/ministry before you decide what you will put in it.

Measurable goals create focus, energy, and passion
A clear dream does at least two things:
It creates perspective
It develops perseverance

Ingredient # 2 - Decide what you are willing to reschedule or give up in order to get what you want. It is so important to be clear about what you want out of your business/ministry before you decide what you will put into it.

Ingredient # 3 - Associate with people who will help you get what you want.

Ingredient # 4 - Have a plan that works, then work the plan.
Now that we have the key ingredients lets mix them together. How do you blend these ingredients in a way that will product a positive impact in your life?

Learn what you need to do next!

Hug the Monster: Manage Your Fear

2010-04-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

Dr. Charles Lowery, speaker and psychologist was doing a talk on overcoming fear a few years ago and in his talk he used the acrostic F.E.A.R.

F - Forget
E - Everything
A - And
R - Run

So true. When we experience fear a little almond shape part of our brain, the amygdala, fires up and gives is a couple of options. The first is to run, the second is to freeze.

In his book, The Survivor's Club, author Ben Sherwood investigates how humans survive various traumatic events. On page 227, the author gives a wonderful word picture.

"Without a doubt, fear is the most ancient, efficient, and effective security system in the world. Over many thousands of years, our magnificently wired brains have sensed, reacted, and then acted upon every imaginable threat. Practically speaking, when you manage fear, your chances improve in almost every situation. But if your alarm goes haywire, your odds plummet. For survival, then, here is the bottom line. If you are scared out of your mind, try to remember the Air Force Survival Schools mantra: Hug the Monster. Wrap your arms around fear, wrestle it under control, and turn it into a driving force in your plan of attack.

"Ours is not a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind."

Be Safe in Your Car

2010-02-05T08:17:00.000-08:00

Be Safe
By John H. Thurman Jr., M.Div., M.A.

Walk circumspectly.

I am normally a positive, upbeat guy, but don’t be misled. I am very aware that we live in a dangerous world. As a professional who deals with workplace violence and victims of violent crimes I want to share with you some BE SAFE practices that you can initiate today.

The suggestions come from, Loren W. Christiansen’s book, How to Live Safely in a Dangerous World. Loren is an expert in police defensive tactics. He began his law enforcement career in 1967 as a military policeman in the U.S. Army. In 1972 he joined the Portland Police Bureau in Oregon, where he still works today.

Loren holds several black belts in karate, jujitsu, and arnis, and has written dozens of articles and seven books on the martial arts. Here are some of his safety tips for driving alone:

Have your cell phone on and with you at all times.

Keep windows up and doors locked.

Keep gas in your tank.

When stopped at a traffic light keep your car in gear.

Stay alert.Talking on the phone and playing with your GPS are distractions that should be avoided when driving.

If you are ever followed, make sure you check your review mirror on a regular basis. Stay on a well-lit, busy street and make two extra turns to make sure. If you have a cell phone, dial 911 and tell the police what is going on, where you are, and what direction you are heading. Give the operator a description of your car, your license plate and as much of a description of the suspicious car as you are able, then follow the operators instructions.

If you are forced off of the road, don’t get out of the car. Make sure the doors are locked and the windows are up. The lean on the horn, long and hard. Call 911.

When parking choose a place that is well lit and where there are people walking around. Once you are parked, do a 360-degree search of your new surroundings before you get out. If anything makes you feel uneasy, fearful or hesitant, then don’t get out. Always lock your car, carry your keys and never leave the car running.

When returning to your car make sure you are aware of your surroundings just like you did when you got out of the car. If at all possible have someone either walk you to the car or have them watch you as you move towards your car. Check the car out before you get in, if all is clear head home.

As you near your house, watch your rearview mirror for any vehicle that looks out of place. If there is one, don’t go home. Drive to the nearest fire or police station, or any open business where there are lots of people.

Get a Grip on Perseverance

2010-01-18T15:57:00.000-08:00

Get a Grip on Perseverance
By John Thurman

Remember the story of The Little Engine that Could?
Whether you read it as a child, or like many from my generation, saw the cartoon on Captain Kangaroo, you will recall that it is a wonderful lesson on perseverance.
One of the most memorable lines from the story is when the Little Engine says, “I think I can. I think I can.” It is a wonderful story about a small railroad engine that had seen better days. As newer, faster, stronger trains were developed, the little engine felt minimized and was assigned to the rail yard. Events unfold, and like any Hallmark movie, the little engine, through courage and perseverance saves the day.

How do you get through tough times? Do you freeze with fright? Run from fear? Or do you persevere and win the day? Your attitude towards adversity determines what you do with it. No thought lives in you mind rent-free. Every thought you have either enriches your life or limits it.

By now you are either curious or a little angry at me, so allow me to show you where I am going. Over the next few weeks I will be doing a series of short articles on how to develop resilience in your personal life, your relationships, and in your business endeavors. Here is the outline I will be following over the next several weeks.

Persist no matter what
Endure discomfort
Request help from others
Steadfastly hold on to your hopes, dreams, beliefs and values
Envision victory
Very consistently maintain your focus
Embrace adversity as your teacher
Refuse to quit
Enjoy and celebrate every inch of the journey

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan, “Press on,” has solved, and always will solve the problems of the human race.”
Calvin Coolidge, 30th President of the U.S.

As we begin to move in this direction of developing and strengthening your personal ability to persevere and develop resilience. I want to remind you of some significant, life changing truth from the Scriptures.

“Fix your thoughts in what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8 (NLT)

Part of moving in this new direction may require some changes in how we think about life, ourselves, God, and others.

While you and I live in a free country and are free to choose what we think about, many of us ourselves destructive things that can limit, at least temporarily, the big dreams God has for us.

Here is a exercise you can do. For the next five minutes, pay attention to almost any conversation and listen for any distorted, toxic self-talk, blaming, whining, commiserating, condemning, and justification. You will likely hear people argue in favor of their most cherished limitations. You might even notice that some will insist they are not being negative, but realistic, giving an honest description of their lives. They have convinced themselves of their own internal press.

The problem is when we fail to employ the truths of verse like Philippians 4:8, we can set in motion a series of outcomes, both large and small that makes us impotent in the face of life’s challenges. The good news is that you and I can begin to change today.

As we begin this series, let me throw down a challenge.

Where you have been, what you have done, and where you are now matters far less than where you are headed. If you continue to look into the rear view mirror of your life, you will have a wreck and possibly miss some life opportunities. If you continue to identify with both current and prior performance by constantly thinking and talking about it, then where you have been, where you are, and where you are going will become one and the same. This will show itself in your marriage, your business, and even your hobbies.

Interested in moving forward?

Through this series of articles, I will show you simple, yet powerful, principles you can begin to use to help you strengthen your ability to persevere.

The Apostle Paul said it best, “I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have reached perfection. But I press on... I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race...” Philippians 3:12-14 (NLT).

(c) 2010 John Thurman

Holiday Stress Busters, or How to Keep Your Sugarplums from turning to Prunes

2009-12-18T18:05:00.000-08:00

The Christmas season can be a time of joy and dread. It can be a time of warm memories, and joy or a season of sadness and depression.

So if you are feeling like you are a victim of the Christmas blahs, the Hanukkah malaise, the Kwanza ennui, and for the neo pagans among is, the Solstice slump here are sixteen things you can do to lower your Holiday Stress

1. Remember the reason for the season.
2. Keep your expectations in reality.
3. Chill out, go with the flow. Relax!
4. Give yourself a break from your own perfectionism.
5. Take your medications, supplements, and vitamins.
6. Get outside and exercise.
7. Shop for the really important people first.
8. Buy yourself a toy you always wanted, but don't use your credit card to get it.
9 Think before you speak. Try making a list of "Topics to Avoid"
10. Look and pray for creative solutions to problems.
11. Do something-stay active.
12. FOR STEPFAMILIES: gather on neutral ground-meet at a place that belongs to no one.
14. Go to a church serivce.
15. Take some healthy time to be alone.
16. Choose to have a Blessed and Merry Christmas.

Sgt Kimberly Munley, Sheepdog and Hero

2009-11-07T10:38:00.000-08:00

I doubt Sgt Kimberly Munley reported to her duty station expecting anything other than a routine day when she began her shift at Ft. Hood. Little did she know that her world as well as the world of countless soldiers and Department of Defense civilians would turn into a violent toxic mess that day.

On that day she moved from being a police sergeant to a national hero. Why? Because Sgt Kimberly Munley is a sheepdog. From what I have read, she did what she was trained to do as an armed police officer in an "active shooter" situation she ran towards the shooter and engaged him and shot him.

LTC David Grossman, author of On Killing and On Combat, and various articles on the impact o media violence, says there are three types of people in the world. I want to focus on two.

The wolf, whether in their right mind or not has a mission to intimidate, destroy and kill sheep. The sheepdog, on the other hand, loves the sheep and is willing to face danger and run toward trouble in order to protect the sheep and neutralize the wolf.

Thank God for Sheepdogs like Sgt. Munley

Leadership Crisis in the Church

2009-11-02T09:35:00.000-08:00

As a church ministry team consultant I regularly talk with pastors about the challenges they face in ministry. As with any profession there are certain themes that seem to always be near the surface.

George Barna has done an exceptional job of noting trends and areas of interest for church leaders. His latest book focuses on some of the key issues leaders face in 2009-2010

The Barna Group, the gold standard of Church life recently released a powerful study on Church Leadership. Here is a sample with a link:

According to the research, the specific behaviors that leaders do most poorly include:

* Negotiating agreements that maximize benefits at minimal cost

* Attracting new resources to the organization – especially human and financial capital

* Developing and implementing individualized developmental plans for emerging leaders

* Nurturing robust relationships with existing colleagues, demonstrating sufficient care and attention to their needs

The research also discovered that leaders sometimes perceive themselves to be more effective at specific aspects of leading than their performance suggests. A prime example relates to vision. While an overwhelming majority of leaders believes that they are very effective at using the organization’s vision as their chief decision-making filter, the study found that one of the greatest weaknesses of most leaders is relying on the vision to protect the organization from over-commitment. “Leaders tend to point to their vision as the reason to say ‘yes’ to opportunities,” explained George Barna. “But our research showed that there is much less willingness to use the vision as a reason to say ‘no’ to opportunities that are not in the best interests of the organization.” Link to the article

Internet Safety for Kids and Moms

2009-10-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

You should worry about your kids and the Internet. It can be a Trojan Horse in your home if you don't monitor what comes in to your home via the web.

Several months ago I wrote a series of blogs on sexting. One of the best parent friendly resources I have on the net is www.wiredmoms.com. Please check them out for all of the best tips and tricks to monitor the web in your home.

Check out my article on Net Traps

The web is a tremendous place to learn and grow, but it also has a dark side...Parents check them out www.wiremoms.com

Beware of the Falling Rocks of Fear

2009-10-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

By John H. Thurman Jr.

Falling Rocks, you see the bright, yellow, international sign for them through the Southwest. The signs are not road decorations. They are very clear indicators of what could happen. As a matter of record, there was a bus driver killed several years ago near Taos, New Mexico due to falling rocks. The New Mexico Department of Transportation spends thousands of dollars a year trying to prevent rocks from falling on cars, people and other things.

Funny things happen when people first become aware of falling rocks. They do one of three things.

The first response is pure, unadulterated fear. When people see the sign they want to stop and turn around. They want to avoid any possibility of harm, stress or risk, so they retreat. Their idea of a bad day is being squashed like a bug and being the lead story on the ten o’clock “Breaking News.”

The second response is to drive through the dangerous pass shaking in their boots. These people do not enjoy the drive they endure it. Their heads fill with dread as their hearts pound with fear. Their greatest joy is seeing the danger in their rear view mirror.

The third group sees the sign, possibly have a little bit of an excited rush and enjoy the drive. If they have their camera, they will probably take a photo.

Life is filled with falling rocks. They can show up in your personal life, relationships, work and church. What will you do when you see the falling rocks sign?

Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he...” NKJV

Attitude is everything-a good one can lead to blessings

Blindsided by Extramarital Affairs: Part 4 - Risky Marriage Styles

2009-07-12T17:53:00.001-07:00

Risky Marriage Styles
By John Thurman M.Div., M.A., LCMHC

What about Sandra Bullock's marriage, put it at a high risk for an affair?

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the couple with a baby carriage.

It doesn’t always work out that way does it? With over thirty-five years in the people helping business I have never met someone who planned on cheating on their spouse or having an affair. I don’t believe anyone starts off a marriage with any idea that it could crash and burn because of a third party. Having said that, I am amazed at how much a couple will spend on a wedding without investing in some premarital counseling. It seems that or media-based culture has put more emphasis on the event than on the relationship.

Whatever happened to the vows, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse…All that being said, research has shown us that there are certain styles of marriage that are at a higher risk for and affair.
My mentor and friend, Dave Carder, first wrote of these styles in his book Torn Asunder and expands this concept in his book Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know about Protecting Your Marriage.

Marital Styles

The Windshield Wiper – This type of marriage centers on avoiding intimacy at all costs through bickering, fighting, demands, criticism, mean-spirited teasing, stated disappointments and even open conflict.

Dial Tone – This is most like the dial tone on your land line phone. There is never any deviation, no variation, extremely predictable and conflict is always avoided. One example; She puts the food on his plate because; “He won’t eat right unless I put it in front of him.”

Empty Nest – This couple looks good on the outside. They are the perfect, conscientious business man or the perfect mother. They have put their time in, done their duty, and are out of the door the around the same time the last child goes off to either school or marriage.

If you are feeling like you fall into one of these styles be sure to take measures to protect your relationship. If you would like a realistic look at your relationship, why not check out the Couple’s Checkup.

Keep and eye on your heart, mind, and marriage.
John Thurman

Blindsided by an Affair Part 3: Know Your Risk History

2009-07-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

Avoiding Extramarital Affairs, Part 3
By John H. Thurman Jr., M.Div., M.A., LCMHC

As you continue to look at risk factors that can lead to an infidelity or cheating you must look at your risky history.
While I was in graduate school one of my fellow students asked the professor if there was ever a time that a person could be free of risks and temptation. The professor wisely pondered the student question and answered, “Of Course, when you are no longer breathing. Then it will not matter.”
Knowing and understanding how our family history and personality style work are important. However; we also need to be keenly aware of certain situations that can open us to higher risk factors of getting involved in an affair.
Cheaters rarely cheat in a vacuum.
A working knowledge of your risk factors will go a long way in protecting you from an affair.
Dave Carder’s research, in Close Calls, shows that there are certain “High Risk Zones that we need to keep an eye on.
High-Risk Times
• Times of loss
• Life Transitions
• Pregnancy
• Chronic, Long-Term Illness
High-Risk Behaviors
• Opposite Sex Friendships
• Workplace Affairs
• Hobbies
• Volunteer Opportunities
• “Soloing” in Public Places
• Fantasizing
• Internet
Live with your heart and eyes open.
John Thurman, M.Div ., M.A., LCMHC

For help in Affair Recovery contact John.
Check out Dave Carder's Torn Asunder, John's #1 for Affair Recover

Blindsided: How to Protect Your Relationship, Part 2 - High Risk History

2009-07-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

By John H. Thurman Jr., M.Div. M.A., LCMHC

I am a little worked up over the news about Sandra Bullock's husband, Jessie James's cheating on this lovely actress who won an Oscar for Blindsided. Here are some things you can do to prevent having an affair.

Marriage is a commitment, marriage is hard work, and marriage is risky business. In this second installment of Avoiding Extramarital Affair, I will be reviewing personal risk factors you could face.

What are your risk factors for an affair? Hint: We are all at some risk.
In his book Close Calls: What Adulterers Want you to Know about Protecting Your Marriage, Dave Carder does an exceptional job unveiling the personal factors that can contribute to a close call.

High-Risk Family of Origin Issues
• A family history of infidelity
• Single Parent/Step Family
• Physically Abusive/Chronically Conflicted Family
High-Risk Personal Factors
• Sexual Molestation – The National Center for Victims of Crimes suggests that between 20-40 percent of young women and up to 20 percent of young men report having been sexually molested when they were minors.
• Adolescent Promiscuity – Some experts state that this would represent a person who has had six or more partners between ages thirteen to twenty. This is one great reason for abstinence for young people.
• Learning Disabilities and ADHD
• A Lack of Personal Boundaries or a Personality Style that would tend to be very dependent.
• A Lack of a Moral Compass
• An Indulgent Lifestyle

John's #1 recommendation for Affair Recovery is Dave Carder's book Torn Asunder
Live wisely, know yourself,
John Thurman

Looking for a therapist who can help your relationship recover from an affair? Contact John

Socrates said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”
Proverbs 11:29

Those who bring trouble on their families inherit the wind. The fool will be a servant to the wise.
Holy Bible, New Living Translation ®, copyright © 1996, 2004 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers. All rights reserved.

Blindsided: How to Avoid an Affair, Part 1 - High Risk People

2009-07-12T15:13:00.000-07:00

By John H. Thurman Jr., M.Div.,M.A., LCMHC

Hearing the news about the affair that Sandra Bullock's husband, Jessie James had, was a disappointment. I have enjoyed her acting for years, and after watching her interview with Barbara Walters and hear her quote, "He is the first man who has ever had my back" I was ticked to her about the affair.

As a therapist, who treats people for Affair Recovery, I wish men would learn to think with the big brain and not other body parts.

“How did this happen?” is a question routinely asked by an unfaithful spouse once they have been discovered. That is one question that has been in the news lately. Be it a Southern politician with a mistress in Argentine or a former Presidential candidate, a preacher, or the businessman, businesswoman in the office next door or a stay at home mom just down the street.

Extramarital affairs are one of the “Frequent fliers” in my counseling practice. Not that I would ever wish it on anybody because recovery from such a devastating event is doable but very tough.

Several years ago, I met Dave Carder, a therapist in Southern California, who specializes in Affair Recovery. His book Torn Asunder has revolutionized my work with couples who are trying to repair their marriage as a result of infidelity.
In his training, he is quick to point out that there are numerous predictable patterns than can identify those at risk for an affair. His most recent book, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know about Protecting Your Marriage, gives the reader important information in affair prevention.

Over the next few postings I will review them. Be sure to pick up your copy of Close Calls, it could save your life, your marriage, your job, and your soul.

Close Call Tip # 1 – Know Your Dangerous Partner Profile
• You don’t marry someone like your dangerous profile partner because, in your gut, you knew that they would not be a good, long-term investment.
• You spouse probably is different that your dangerous profile partner, but that does not mean they are less attractive to you.
• The dangerous partner profile can be made up of those individuals that seem to meet all of the deficits and shortcomings that you bring into your marriage.
• The dangerous person often defies all of your culture, training, common sense and values. Logic has nothing to do with it.
• A dangerous partner profile lurks within all of us and should be dealt with.
For more information read pages 17-37 in Close Calls.
Need Affair Recover? Contact John Thurman.

Fight for your Marriage,
John Thurman

Ten Skills Every Dad Needs

2009-07-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

For centuries the mission of a man has been to provide, protect, serve, and love his wife and his children. In the past few years, thanks to shifts in our culture he is also expected to understand “feelings,” discern emotional nuances, be some type of manly man who is sensitive, caring and understanding.
Men still struggle to figure out what they need to be for the women in their lives, but one thing is for sure, men and women are created equal, they are not interchangeable. Yes, a majority of the tasks involved in raising children can be equally done by Angelina and Brad. However; there are components of child rearing that require the unique imprint of a man or a woman. We are hardwired to look at life in different ways, it is in our genes.

Ten Skills Every Dad Needs:

A love for God
Courage
The ability to tinker
A love and respect for nature
How money works
A desire to work
The ability to laugh
The ability to lead yourself
Showing your daughters hoe to expect to be treated
Teaching your son how to treat ladies

Sexting; What a Parent Can Do Part 2 of 3

2009-05-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

He came into my office visibly upset we shared a quick greeting and before you know it he shoved a cell phone close to my eyes and said, “Look at this!” I was thrown for a loop when I began to focus on the screen of his fifteen year old daughter’s cell phone. It was her sans blouse and supporting garments. First of all there is no woman young or old that I need to see other than my wife. This still somewhat shocking episode, but it began a new phase of my counseling practice, working with parents and their teens after the teen has been busted for sexting.

Since that cold winter day a little over a year and a half ago I have worked with a dozen or so teens and their families coming to terms with this phenomenon.

How has this happened? First of all teens are not well known for impulse control, but up until the advent of the camera phone and web cams, the photos of nude and semi-nude teens was regulated to “Girls Gone Wild,” and other shady and pornographic sites, but that has all changed and parents need to wake up and smell the coffee.

What most parents don’t realize is that their kids can sometime play them for the fool. You don’t have to be a techno wizard or a curator of pop culture to know a little bit about Facebook, My Space, and tweeting on Twitter. In an article from the current Reader’s Digest, Pamela Paul, author of Pornified: How Pornography is Transforming our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families, “It ‘s pretty appalling…Among girls and boys, porn has become increasingly accepted, even as kind of cool.” A far cry from sneaking a peak at you older brother’s Playboy. Now, nude and semi-nude images of young men and women are a mere click or two away from any internet user.

Here are some guidelines:

You are the parent-you have every right to have access to your child internet accounts and cell phone, after all, you do pay for them. Forget about their privacy, accept when it comes to using the bathroom and dressing. Be nosy, know where they are going and where they have been. Here are some resources that can help.

www.wiredmoms.com - you should really check this group out, they will show you how to check up on you kids.

Cell Phone Spy Elite-a device from www.security.com that retrieves deleted text messages from cell phones.

Sage Eyes, from internet safety.com. tracks your kids instant messaging, monitors online social networks, and can impose online minute restrictions.

www.websafety.com-software you can load into your kid’s cellphone and computer alerts that will advise you if inappropriate content is going out.

www.yoursphere.com-a fairly safe social network

LMK, for “Let Me Know,” is based on the Girl Scouts site (lmk.girlscouts.org), where girls can talk to other girls about internet safety. Keep buying those cookies.

Sexting, What a Parent Can do Part 2 of 3

2009-04-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

Sexting Part 1 Contiued

2009-04-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

One way to know more about teens and sexting is to check out this link http://www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=7337547&page=1

Sexting , What a parent can do.- Part 1 of 4

2009-04-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

Five months ago a former counseling client of mind dropped by the office for a quick visit. He seemed upset and as he entered the room he said, "Look at this! What to do I do about this?" He politely yet forcefully pushed a cellphone up to my eyes to view a topless picture of his fifteen year old daughter that she had emailed to her boyfriend. As as side note I have elected to never view a cell phone photo that a parent wants to show me.

In the past three months I have has three parents bring their 12-16 year old daughters into the office for sexting, sending partial nude or totally nude photos of themselves to their boyfriends.

Over the next few days I will be giving you links and key things you, as a parent can do to, to be effective in lowering the risk for you teen.

Principle 1 - You are the parent, you pay the bill, you own the phone, you have a right and responsibility to be a good watchdog.

Principle 2 - Get out of denial and learn how to check up on your kid. Privacy has to do with changing clothes and going to the bathroom, not all of their communications.

Check out this link from Good Morning America it is a group called wired moms, that gives you tools for checking out your kid's web presence. Here is their twitter page http://twitter.com/wiredmoms
John

Top Five Gripes Men Have About Women

2009-03-06T21:21:00.000-08:00

Ladies, the mystery is solved. Research conducted by Dr. Micheal Cunningham confirms what I have thought for a long time. Men do have a common thread of gripes about women. In an effort to appreciate the differences here they are.

1. The silent treatment. Need I say more.
2. Bringing things up from the distant past.
3. Being too hot or too cold
4. Being critical
5. Being stubborn or refusing to give in.

I will write more on these later.

Six Ways to Treat Depression without Medication

2009-03-01T04:22:00.000-08:00

By John Thurman M.Div., M.A., LCMHC

Feeling blue? Are you in a minor depression? Want to try and avoid medication?

With the roller coaster financial market, looming lay offs, rocky relationships and high divorces...it is no small matter that 6 million men were diagnosed with depression last year.

While you should get checked out by your doctor, and might look into some short-term therapy here are four things you can do to push back depression.

1. Sweat - P. Murali Doraiswamy, MD, chief of biological psychiatry at Duke University was part of a team that compared aerobic activity (30 min 3x a week, walking, cycling, or using an elliptical) with Zoloft. The studies found exercising "to be equally effective for treating mild to moderate depression."

2. Eat better - More salads, less red meat, fewer spirits and less sugar can impact mood in a positive way. Too much sugar, alcohol, food in general will slow you down.

3. Change the brain chatter - Learn how to challenge irrational thoughts and replace them with the good stuff.

4. Get more sunlight - Early morning light actually helps you feel better.

5. Go to church - Reconnecting spiritually is a proven way to improve you outlook and build hope.

6. Get involved in a small group. A bible study, life group, a task oriented group, or a support group. Being involved with a small group has multiple benefits.

Free Depression Tip Sheet

Overcoming Depression

2009-01-09T14:37:00.000-08:00

Now that I have established some basic info concerning Major Depression, and have given you some very basic things you can do, I'd like to turn my attention to some practical ways you can begin to move out from depression into joy.

Apart from medications, exercise, supplements, and medical care there are some things you can do both with you thinking and with your spirituality to help push back depression.

I am a strong believer in the notion that Feelings are the direct result of Thoughts and one of the keys to overcoming depression is to understand how the sad thought process works.

Here is a basic view of the A-B-C's of how thoughts impact out feelings

A - Adversity, what pushes your buttons. People struggling with depression and other mood disorders this usually involves some type of loss. I will discuss this more in my next blog. The adversity is an event that stimulates a thought process.

B - Belief, the immediate belief that pop up when adversity hits the button.

C- Consequences, the resulting feelings that result when A+B happens

One of the keys to overcoming depression is to realize how this sequence can have an impact on how your deal with depression.

Here are some things you can do to begin the process of moving out of depression into hope.

If you have been depressed or have had feelings of hopelessness or suicide get checked out by your physician, particularly if you have felt this way for more than a couple of weeks.
If you need therapy, get some.
Begin taking a good multivitamin and some Omega 3, (this will not cure depression, but will help your brain and body push back on depression.
Check out some helpful websites: Dr. Daniel Amen, My Depression Tip Sheet, Focus on the Family
Check out my Bible Study on Depression
Avoid isolation, be sure to be around people who know and love you.
Begin moving, working out, walking around your block. Physical exercise can give you additional energy to defeat depression.
Look at coming to my Overcoming Depression Conference in Colorado Springs in late January

Next entry will look at the three types of losses and how they can set us up for depression.

What is Depression Part 3

2009-01-04T14:15:00.001-08:00

So where does depression come from? Is it just a choice? is it a chemical imbalance? where does it come from?

There are several factors that can have an impact on depression. Here are five: (this is not an exhaustive list)

Physical

Illness (including Diabetes, Heart Disease)
Sleep Loss
Chemical Imbalance (hormones, neurochemistry)
Stress
Nutritional Issues
Post-Partem Issues

Genetics

Family History of Depression

Situational

Family Issues
Business/Work Issues
Marriage Issues

Psychological

Loneliness
Lack of Purpose
Loss/Grief
Rejection

Spiritual

Sin
Fatigue
God sent trials
Spiritual Warfare
Bitterness and resentment
Grief

If you want to learn more about depression check out some of these sites: Focus on the Family; Mental Health America; Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance; and the American Psychiatric Foundation

If you are interested in attending an Overcoming Depression Workshop with John Thurman Click this link: Overcoming Depression.

What is Depression? Part 2

2009-01-01T14:06:00.001-08:00

Depression is like an oil leak in an engine. One of the things that happens when you are depressed is you become disconnected from that part of you that is a positive, hopeful person. Your optimism is slowly replaced with hopelessness and isolation. What may have been experiencing some ups and downs in life but these ups and downs turn into ruts, with no end in sight. Much like a car with an oil leak, over time you may feel like you are breaking down.

Let's look at the car analogy for moment. Oil helps your car run well because it reduces the friction between the moving parts of your engine. Car manufactures recommend that you change your oil and oil filter every 3,000 miles. Why? Because as you drive your car around you get wear and tear on your engine, your oil gets dirty and the filter doesn't work as effectively. Other than regular oil and filter changes you really don't have to do too much to maintain your oil in your car.

Problems arise when there is a leak in they system. It may start as a small leak that constantly requires new oil, or in a really bad situation, you may have a cracked oil pan.

That is how depression can be for some people. The depression-resistant person maintains their oil levels well, and when the engine needs a tune up or repair, they do it. The depression-prone person usually has a leaky oil system or a cracked oil pan that requires continual love, success, or reassurance to operate effectively, unless something is done to repair the system.

Depression impacts us in six primary areas;

Feelings - how we manage our emotional lives
Behavior - how we direct our actions, how we arrange our time, our habits, and our energy
Thoughts - how we watch over our thoughts, our assumptions about our self, the world, and how things work
Faith - how we view our relationship to God
Relationships - how we act with others as well as what we want and expect from them
Self Image - how we think about and perceive ourselves

Depression is a hope stealer.

Now for some good news! You can learn to overcome depression!

Here are some things you can do to begin the process of moving out of depression into hope.

If you have been depressed or have had feelings of hopelessness or suicide get checked out by your physician, particularly if you have felt this way for more than a couple of weeks.
If you need therapy, get some.
Begin taking a good multivitamin and some Omega 3, (this will not cure depression, but will help your brain and body push back on depression.
Check out some helpful websites: Dr. Daniel Amen, My Depression Tip Sheet, Focus on the Family
Check out my Bible Study on Depression
Avoid isolation, be sure to be around people who know and love you.
Begin moving, working out, walking around your block. Physical exercise can give you additional energy to defeat depression.
Look at coming to my Overcoming Depression Conference in Colorado Springs in late January

What is Depression? Part 1

2008-12-30T14:38:00.000-08:00

Depression is one over used word. We tend to use it to describe everything from a post-sugar cookie rush to the overwhelming defeat of the Dallas Cowboys to the Eagles.
Well, for my Cowboy buddies, maybe this could be the onset of Major Depression. Maybe next year.

Back on task, people do tend to throw the d (depression) word around. When I hear people saying talking about depression in this way, I tend to think that they are talking about the normal ups and downs that we all experience in our day to day lives-not the more global or long-term inversion of moods. Clinical depression is not a moment of sadness, but a tenacious feeling of hopelessness, gloom and isolation that can be triggered by loss, and an imbalance of brain chemicals. It is a physical disease and one that can kill you! Research tells us that suicide is one of the top four killers of Americans between 15 and 44. The numbers tell us that women will attempt suicide more than men, but that men are up to five times more successful in doing it.

The symptom checklist for Depression includes a bunch of very negative ingredients. Some of these include low self-esteem, decreased interest in sex, weight changes, sleep problems, fatigue, problems with your ability to concentrate, spiritual dryness, thoughts of suicide, and isolation. Depression hinders you ability to resist infection and can increase your chances of diabetes and heart disease.

Here is an interesting bit of trivia; 15 percent of Americans have experienced clinically significant depression at some time in our lives.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, MD says, "Depression is a lot like hot sauce-there are all different kinds and nuances, but they can be dangerous at the same time. These types can range from post-partum depression to a full-blow Major Depressive Episode with a psychotic break.

Oz says, "Depression can be trickier than a David Blaine stunt because some of the symptoms are on the subtle side.

If you want to learn more about depression check out some of these sites: Focus on the Family; Mental Health America; Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance; and the American Psychiatric Foundation

If you are interested in attending an Overcoming Depression Workshop with John Thurman Click this link: Overcoming Depression.

Overcoming Depression

2008-12-15T16:14:00.000-08:00

This is part one of a six-part series on Overcoming Depression.

Did you know that Depression impacts between 15 and 20 million Americans? While doctors and mental health professionals are doing a better job of diagnosing Major Depression only a few people actual seek help for depression making it one of the leading causes of suicidal thoughts and actual suicide.

Part of dealing with depression has to do with identifying various losses one has experienced in life. Read more..

Click here for info on John's Overcoming Depression Seminar

Keep You Sugar Plumbs from Turning to Prunes

2008-12-02T21:10:00.001-08:00

“And visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.” My question for you is have your sugar plums turned to prunes?

The Holiday season can be a time of joy and dread. It can be a time of anticipation and a time of some heavy-duty stress. While the joy of the season is around the celebration of Christ’s birth, too many of us get sidetracked with the pressures of the season and the short days of winter.

Rather than being excited about the season we show about the same enthusiasm as a sentenced pirate about to walk the plank. We feel dread, anxiety, exhaustion and isolation. If you feel this way you could be a victim of the Christmas blahs, the Hanukkah malaise, the Kwanza ennui, and for the neo pagans amongst us, the Solstice slump.

Here are some simple suggestions, some humorous, some serious, to keep “your sugarplums from turning into prunes.”

Remember the reason for the season. Re-read the Christmas story, go to a worship service, attend a Christmas Play, and listen to some uplifting seasonal music.

Keep your expectations in line with reality. One of the reasons things go south in so many relationships, particularly this time of year, is undiscussed and undisclosed expectations get violated. If you dare to expect a perfect holiday, then you are probably setting yourself up of a huge disappointment.

Do you remember the dad character from the movie A Christmas Story, he was obsessed with eating the Christmas turkey. He smelled it as it cooked and as it was cooling down on the kitchen table he picked a small pieced and savored it. You might recall that in the very next scene the neighbor’s dogs run through the house and completely destroy the turkey. The dad is heart broken and them mom is resourceful. They end up having Peking Duck and a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day. Lower your expectations so you’re not frustrated year after year.

Chill out and go with the flow! Relax, laugh take a step back and unwind.

Rememeber, regardless of what your therapist says, the Christmas season is not about problem solving. Deal with family issues another time. You have to choose how you are going to feel. You do not have to be a slave to old memories.

If you are going to be spending a lot of time with family, be intentional about building in breaks for the family. The holidays can be a very special time for families to be together, but you don’t need to overdose.

Watch the food intake. The holidays are a time when many people pick up weight. You can still have the goodies of the season just watch the servings and the sizes. If meal preparation is a bear for you, try making some changes. Don’t let the eating and/or drinking be the focus of the gathering. Avoid getting loaded with spirits, sweets and fats at the same time, there is nothing worse than being bloated, loaded and wired all at the same time. If you do overdo it, be sure to wear your elastic pants or your expandable Dockers – avoid the mid-meal unbuttoning at cost – it is humiliating to you spouse and kids.

Give yourself permission to not have perfection. Remember, Jesus was born in a stall in a barn (cave). He came into this world in a place filled the odors of any farm. He had no tree, no lights and no Christmas buffet.

My wife and I have the opportunity to be in several homes over the holidays and each home has its own unique look. Some homes will have theme trees and the Christmas decorations that look like they came right of HGTV. Other homes have a more personal appeal. Our Christmas tree is a very eclectic one in that we have ornaments that represent out life journey as a family. The proverbial ornaments the kids made. Ornaments we purchased when we were first married and ornaments made for our family by people who have gone on to heaven. So when our tree goes up, it tells the journey of our family. These ornaments can be reminders, of the ebbs and flows, the good and bad days of our live. Enjoy the good things of the holiday.

If you are typically reminded of old, unresolved pain and guilt from your past, seek the forgiveness of the Lord and start making some new traditions.

Take your medication, supplements and vitamins.

Only watch It’s a Wonderful Life one time. It is a great tearjerker and has a wonderful message, but enough is enough. If you are not careful you could end up comparing your life to George Bailey’s. Just remember the Clarence’s theology – “every time a bell rings and angel gets its wings – it will make you feel better regardless of your theological persuasion.

Get outside and exercise. Join the gym – meet new people – force yourself out of the office on a daily basis if at all possible.

Shop for the really important people first.

Buy yourself a toy you always wanted.

Think before you speak. Make a list of “topics to avoid.” If you are feeling down please consider ruling out all discussions on: your job, personal life, health, religion, politics, the past, the future, and most often the present. Topics that are almost always safe: the weather, sports, gardening and the other person’s life. God gave us two ears and one mouth-go figure. Use your words to help others feel good about themselves-you could be surprised as to how it will make you feel.

Stay loose, be flexible. 21st century families are always changing due to job situations, childbirth, illness, job demands, divorce, and the return of work for former stay-at-home moms. Tradition doesn’t have to mean rigidity.

Look and pray for creative solutions to problems. Just because you have always done it that way before doesn’t mean you have to continue to do it that way now.

Mom and Dad – let your married kids develop their own holiday traditions – no guilt trips.

Check out My Twenty Holiday Stress Busting Tips

(c) 2007 John Thurman

Parenting Skills

2008-12-02T20:08:00.000-08:00

I was recently talking to an psychiatrist friend of mine who specializes in working with adolescents in a psych hospital. We were sharing parenting stories when he told me of several teenage patients that had been admitted to the hospital for suicidal ideation. When I asked him about the events that lead up to their crisis he replied, "Their parents took their cellphone as a consequence."

I was taken back a bit by this story. I asked him, "Why do you think that happened?" His opinion was that they felt completely cut off from friends and their support network. With no cell phones, they had no way to stay in contact with their support systems. He also felt that these kids were dealing with Major Depression. Click here for info on teen depression

I will give you an option to think about at the end of this blog.

As a parent of adult children, thank God they got through their teen years relatively intact, and as a Marriage a Family Educator I'd like to share some basic principles of parenting. These have been around for ever, but a little review won't hurt.

Last week, Todd Cook, my pastor, listed these in our services.

Here is the answer to "What kind of discipline is appropriate?

Spell out Expectations and rules for your kids before you try to enforce them with discipline.
Never discipline for Childish Mistakes or childhood forgetfulness.
Never discipline out of Anger
Always go from the mildest form of discipline to the more severe forms.

I like the term reality discipline which means let the discipline match the crime.

So, what about the cell phone. If you teen abuses the privilege you cut back their use. Do it in stages, like cutting them back for a few minutes a day, but measure your response. As a parent, you have the power to discipline your kids. Use it wisely. Click here for parenting tips

Practical Parenting Tips

2008-11-16T21:07:00.000-08:00

Parents seem so frustrated today!

Parents of preschoolers have all but forgotten the days of communication and and intimacy. School aged children can run parents ragged with all of the things that occupy their day. Finally, parents of tweenagers (10-12) and teenagers do have a mental illness. It starts when the firstborn child hits puberty and ends when the baby is thirty.

My wife and I survived it and so can you.

If you feel like having children has eaten away at your brain come and you need some relief come here what I have to say about it.

Next Sunday, November 23rd, I will be teaching at Destiny Center Church in Rio Rancho, NM. I will be teaching on Practical Parenting Tips in all of the Sunday services.

Building Good Communication into Your Relationships

2008-11-09T18:18:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that you have to be intentional to have good communications in any relationship?

Do you tend to be the historian or the hysterical one? My pastor, Todd Cook, is an excellent communicator. This week, he was teaching on how to enhance your relationship skills.

Recently a reporter friend of mine asked, "What is the cause of most marital breakups?" She looked surprised by my answer. I said, "Bitterness." I continued, "Bitterness being poisoned by the anger and hurt that you will not let go of." She looked away, somewhat embarrassed, and then turned back to me and said, "That is exactly what happened in my marriage. I just wouldn't let it go."

As a counselor, I make a living helping people build up their relationships, and in yesterday's message (my wife and I do the Saturday church thing) Todd hit a home run.

Here is a very brief review of his message:
Immature Ways of Communication
1. Verbal Retaliation
2. Withdrawal
3. The "Blame Game"
4. Threats

The Cure -Stop the Insanity
1. Look Up
2. Open Up
3. Give it Up.

Check out his podcast.

My article Fair Fighting has some practical tips that you can use to enhance your communication skills, take a look and let me know what you think.

Jesus said it best, "Do to others as you would have them do to you." Luke 6:31

Kids and Pain Killers

2008-10-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

One in five teenagers will try prescription medication, and they could be your. Check out Dr. Barry Ramo's story on KOAT

If you are a mom or dad, you need to read this! There is a drug epidemic happening right in your neighborhood, maybe even in your house.

In the past few months I have seen an alarming increase in the number of teens that I am seeing that are either abusing or addicted to painkillers like Oxycodone. These are not down and out kids, but teens from upscale neighborhoods. Parents need to become more aware of the dangerous medications that may be in their home

The Partnership for a Drug Free America has some no non-sense tips that you can use to keep and eye out for your kids and their friends.

If you find out that your child is abusing other's prescrition medication see your doctor and get professional help.

The book of Psalms and Recovery

2008-10-22T06:03:00.000-07:00

In my day to day work I am a Professional Counselor who works with men, women, and teenagers. In a given week I will work with twenty-five to thirty hurting folks. From time to time someone who is struggling with a compulsive/addictive behavior will ask about giving their life over to the care of God.
Psalm 61:1-8 talks about this very thing. I would encourage you to give it a read.
The idea or thought of turning over our will can and our thoughts to God can be very attractive. When we give in to our compulsions and dependencies, we surrender ourselves to another power. When that happens we are giving up our own personal power and surrendering it to whatever compulsive behavior we fall into. When you feel overwhelmed and give into some addictive or compulsive behavior you actually feel better and may even feel relieved, for a short while. That is what happens when your focus is the compulsive or addictive behaviors that you may be using to help you cope with life.
Now, here is some good news which comes from this passage.
We can take steps to change our focus and turn our life over to God instead of reverting to the hiding places of the past. The apostle Paul said, "Don't be drunk with wine, because it will run your life. Instead let the Holy Spirit fill and control you. (Ephesians 5:18).
When we are overwhelmed and in need of some type of escape, we have a new place to turn. In this piece of Scripture Kind David declared, "The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you (Psalm 9:9-10).
David also wrote, "From the ends of the earth, I will cry to you for help, for my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me." (Psalm 61:2-3).
I hope these words give you some encouragement.

Muder by Family Comments

2008-10-06T16:00:00.001-07:00

I met Kent Whitaker last year and had the chance to visit with him about his book Murder by Family. He writes about God's help in choosing to help him process forgiveness toward his son who murdered his brother and mother.
Kent just finished being the feature on Oprah. He did an outstanding job talking about the power of forgiveness.
I strongly recommend picking up Murder by Family
John

The Sky isn't Falling

2008-09-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

Remember the story of Chicken Little? Chicken Little was a histrionic chicken that was hit on the head by an acorn and completely freaked out. He ran around telling everybody that the "Sky is Falling, the Sky is Falling!" Great story, great moral. In the end the sky wasn't falling.

If you maintain a constant diet of CNN or FOX, you would think the sky is going to fall within the next few days.

While our economy is going through some rough times I believe that we will make the adjustments and move forward. The sky isn't falling.

Americans are a resilient lot, as people we get through this troublesome season. As a nation of entrepreneurs and small business owners we will develop solutions and help turn out economy around.

As for the bailout, I hope that the Congressional Plan has high levels of accountability built into it and that the institutions that we are bailing out will pay back what they owe.

As we push this economy towards a brighter future we should remember Churchill's words, "Never, Never, Never Quit!"

Dave Ramsey has some interesting thoughts on this.